Tuesday, December 15, 2009

2010 What Else Do I Need For Motivation? ;)

I'm not in the holiday spirit......
That's nothing new. I hate the holidays. I am usually by myself, my family is boring or most of them work. I have no kids, nieces, or nephews. I barely know my little cousins & my god son is miles away & I don't know him either. So the easiest ppl to shop for (little kids) I don't have in my life.

My boyfriend (I guess I'll keep calling him that just because when dudes try to talk to me I tell them I have a boyfriend whether I have one or not) & I never really spent a holiday together.... (I know what kind of relationship is that o_0 ??) sooo even if everything was good between us spending time with him probably wouldn't have happened anyway. I didn't lose anything. I don't really have any friends. I have one but I doubt I'll go over to her house... for what?? That's not my family.

On top of the loneliness I waited to late to shop & the 2 jobs is keeping me occupied for the next 2 weeks. I don't know what I am buying anyway..... my family isn't really into it so I guess its no big deal if there is something for them on Christmas. I have a freaking $100 ticket I have to pay by the 24th & my phone bill is due. So Yeah Im freaking out & anxious & depressed & alone... Merry Christmas to me.

I wanna do something for New Years tho! I've never went out on New Years before & I am 24! I wanna get dressed up & go out & have fun! I wanna bring in the New Year Happy, Stress-Free, & with a New feeling. 2010 will not be like the past years! I want nothing but accomplished goals & joy in 2010. Im tired of talking about he's this & that && He did this & that. Im tired of talking about I have no friends. Im tired of not living up to MY potential!! Its nobodies fault but my own. If he aint got it right by now scratch him off, & if she aint keeping up with Denise Lancaster leave her, && if I am not happy with where I am & what I have.... I need to UPGRADE me!

What else do I need for motivation?? ;) --

@sincerelydla

Monday, December 14, 2009

I'll Take All The Blame....

Sooo I am bored at work..... as usual.
I can't stop thinking about the other night. I really didn't want to share it but I have nothing else to really write about & I just can't stop thinking about it. I won't go into details tho.....its to long. Anyways the other night I got in a fight with my boyfriend. I guess I started it.... I guess I always start it. We get into fights break up & a week later get back together. It happens way to often, so I figured I have to get him to never ever wanna talk to me again. We keep playing this who should be hurt & who should be blamed game hoping that one of us will be like ok I take the blame. We are hurting each other, we are not happy together, && its fair to say we both are thinking we are doing so much for each other.

Soooo I'll take the blame! He can tell his mother, sister, friends that I don't know how to act, I am inconsiderate, I don't spend quality time, I don't look out for us, I am not a good girlfriend, I am not a good person, && that I am crazy, I cry to much, I nag to much, I ask for to much, I play to much, I am out to much, I don't work hard enough, I am wrong.....whatever comes to mind he can say. He's a saint, he's never hurt me, he's always there for me, he shows nothing but love this is how he would have to think that to never ever wanna speak to me again... so I went crazy! Lol. I lost my mind in every way u can think of... I had too. Now its like where do I go from here?? Rejection hurts whether the person is good or bad for u, & to invest so much time into person & it to end so horribly hurts even worse. I mean u go into a relationship with nothing but u like the person & to leave the relationship with nothing but not liking the person is a waste. What was my purpose?? Why was we holding on for so long?? Was it love?? Is it love?? Its bad when u don't even know...huh?

I feel like I am going to be alone for the rest of my life, & I don't say that because I am not with him anymore because I felt that way even when I was with him. I just don't think love was meant for me. I mean love can't be for everybody....can it?? Luckily we do not have any mutual friends, or any mutual hang out spots, we aren't that involved in each others family, we do not share anything together no kids, no furniture, no pets.... nothing. The only thing that brings us back together is the thoughts we have of each other when we are apart. I killed those thoughts for him.... Now what am I to do??

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Wow.... When Was The Last Time I Shared My Thoughts??

OmGoodness!!

It has been a very long time. When was the last time I wrote something on here August JeeZus Lol. Well I would write about the worse night of my life I had last night but Im not, just because Im done with that situation. Im sick of talking about it, Im sick of feeling that way, Im sick of tolerating it && being dumb enough to tolerate it in the first place. It cant be life && Ladies its not even worth living life that way! Ive been blessed to not have any kids, to make it to 24, to work & have money, to be free to live life the way I want to..... so why be held back by pain, & tears, & not the right kind of love (that is if its even love).

The problems in 2009 will not carry itself into 2010. I wont let it!

Can I say tho I got the TWITTER thing down. Im Twitter queen, thats all I do lol. I've met some really interesting FUN important ppl on twitter too. (Well I didnt meet them but I've been talking to them) Some ppl are just cool, I like talking to them. Some of them have very interesting jobs like @GenevaWrites is a writer for magazines & stuff, & @Laureluxe is a designer. @LaureLuxe is actually from Kingston (thats where Im living) & her pieces are really nice. She was nice enough to send me 2 pair of earrings (I Love Them) real dope chick with real dope talent! I've talked to some other ppl that are doing their thing career wise && its like wait... o_0 could this mean I could be a somebody?? Lol.... Im for real... How did I find these ppl??
I would love to do something cool like that. I couldnt be a blogger because I cant spell for nothing && as you can see I dont care about none of the stuff Ive learned in english my whole school life lol. I just write -Shrugs-

Im at work using their computer. No one is here, they left me all by myself. I hear its snowing pretty bad outside which SUCKS because 1. I hate snow with a passion! 2. My car isnt in the best shape to be driving & 3. I just got a ticket a couple of days ago for not moving my car for the last snow storm we had. I didnt move it because I didnt have anywhere to move it too. So yeah, thats gonna be a big problem. I dont think Im going home today, which only sucks because I wanted to check on my sister & my dog Henny. Henny was riding with me last night!! Lol.

Well I promise to be more entertaining next entry. Im like not sure what to say because its been so freaking long && I have alot to say but I dont know where to start. I gotta make this a frequent thing to get back in the swing of things.

But thanks for reading anyway :)