I Dont Know If Its Me

Ughhh
Im not happy at all! It's Saturday night & I didnt play my cards right. I should have just done me! There's a party tonight & I didnt have plans of going for various reasons..... now I wanna go BUT now Im stuck at home pissed off because my "boyfriend" is a jerk & my only friend is at work & I didnt buy an outfit just in case I changed my mind! Ughhh.... Just one of those days :/

My "boyfriend" (& I say it like that because we have more down days then up) is....... Oh I already told you guys he's a jerk! That might actually be a compliment now considering theres a song lol. He might actually find this blog because we were in a fight not to long ago && the nigga googled me & found all my stuff. Lmao! Not funny actually kinda creepy BUT yeah its one of those down days.... one of those down days where I question myself " Is it me??.... AM I the person that makes this relationship hard??"

I dont know if its me but something tells me from time to time that this "relationship" aint right. I dont know if its me but I feel tied down, isolated, lonely. I dont know if its me but I feel like hes hard to talk to. I dont know if its me but I am mad or sad more than I am happy. I dont know if its me but I feel like I cant be myself......... Crazy right? Well why are you still in it?? (He's gonna be pissed) but the answer is I DONT KNOW!! Its been like this on & off for 4 yrs. He says its not my fault you cant open up to me!! Can one really shut down for no reason... or is it just me?? I dont know if its me so I stay, trying to fix it, hoping to fix it because if its me I dont want this to be my fault. && I dont know if its me because Im still comparing him to exes like....
No one has ever talked to me the way you do! I never felt I couldnt be myself! I never cried more than I laughed. I always felt like they were my homie. No one has never told me who I can & can not talk to, where I can & can not go, What I could & could not wear. No one has ever checked my phone.

I feel like its me sometimes because I have never been in a real relationship. See I dont really agree with curfews, & checking phones, & eliminating friends, & places. I never knew that certain chemistry had to be forced, or you had to totally pick one or the other..... friends or boyfriend, his way or my way or my own happiness or his...... see I didnt really know someone that loves you make you make those choices. I thought friends were mutual. I thought boyfriends had your back & supported you. I thought you were suppose to have trust && if you both didnt agree with something you made compromises. I didnt know Love, Boys & Relationships were like this because I everything that I Love I would of passed on this..........

4 yrs later I feel like its to late! && Im stuck on the what if's. Singing "A part of me says to get my bags, A part of me says I cant do that" - Letoya Luckett

-Deep Sigh-

Is It Me??