Tuesday, December 15, 2009

2010 What Else Do I Need For Motivation? ;)

I'm not in the holiday spirit......
That's nothing new. I hate the holidays. I am usually by myself, my family is boring or most of them work. I have no kids, nieces, or nephews. I barely know my little cousins & my god son is miles away & I don't know him either. So the easiest ppl to shop for (little kids) I don't have in my life.

My boyfriend (I guess I'll keep calling him that just because when dudes try to talk to me I tell them I have a boyfriend whether I have one or not) & I never really spent a holiday together.... (I know what kind of relationship is that o_0 ??) sooo even if everything was good between us spending time with him probably wouldn't have happened anyway. I didn't lose anything. I don't really have any friends. I have one but I doubt I'll go over to her house... for what?? That's not my family.

On top of the loneliness I waited to late to shop & the 2 jobs is keeping me occupied for the next 2 weeks. I don't know what I am buying anyway..... my family isn't really into it so I guess its no big deal if there is something for them on Christmas. I have a freaking $100 ticket I have to pay by the 24th & my phone bill is due. So Yeah Im freaking out & anxious & depressed & alone... Merry Christmas to me.

I wanna do something for New Years tho! I've never went out on New Years before & I am 24! I wanna get dressed up & go out & have fun! I wanna bring in the New Year Happy, Stress-Free, & with a New feeling. 2010 will not be like the past years! I want nothing but accomplished goals & joy in 2010. Im tired of talking about he's this & that && He did this & that. Im tired of talking about I have no friends. Im tired of not living up to MY potential!! Its nobodies fault but my own. If he aint got it right by now scratch him off, & if she aint keeping up with Denise Lancaster leave her, && if I am not happy with where I am & what I have.... I need to UPGRADE me!

What else do I need for motivation?? ;) --


Monday, December 14, 2009

I'll Take All The Blame....

Sooo I am bored at work..... as usual.
I can't stop thinking about the other night. I really didn't want to share it but I have nothing else to really write about & I just can't stop thinking about it. I won't go into details tho.....its to long. Anyways the other night I got in a fight with my boyfriend. I guess I started it.... I guess I always start it. We get into fights break up & a week later get back together. It happens way to often, so I figured I have to get him to never ever wanna talk to me again. We keep playing this who should be hurt & who should be blamed game hoping that one of us will be like ok I take the blame. We are hurting each other, we are not happy together, && its fair to say we both are thinking we are doing so much for each other.

Soooo I'll take the blame! He can tell his mother, sister, friends that I don't know how to act, I am inconsiderate, I don't spend quality time, I don't look out for us, I am not a good girlfriend, I am not a good person, && that I am crazy, I cry to much, I nag to much, I ask for to much, I play to much, I am out to much, I don't work hard enough, I am wrong.....whatever comes to mind he can say. He's a saint, he's never hurt me, he's always there for me, he shows nothing but love this is how he would have to think that to never ever wanna speak to me again... so I went crazy! Lol. I lost my mind in every way u can think of... I had too. Now its like where do I go from here?? Rejection hurts whether the person is good or bad for u, & to invest so much time into person & it to end so horribly hurts even worse. I mean u go into a relationship with nothing but u like the person & to leave the relationship with nothing but not liking the person is a waste. What was my purpose?? Why was we holding on for so long?? Was it love?? Is it love?? Its bad when u don't even know...huh?

I feel like I am going to be alone for the rest of my life, & I don't say that because I am not with him anymore because I felt that way even when I was with him. I just don't think love was meant for me. I mean love can't be for everybody....can it?? Luckily we do not have any mutual friends, or any mutual hang out spots, we aren't that involved in each others family, we do not share anything together no kids, no furniture, no pets.... nothing. The only thing that brings us back together is the thoughts we have of each other when we are apart. I killed those thoughts for him.... Now what am I to do??

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Wow.... When Was The Last Time I Shared My Thoughts??


It has been a very long time. When was the last time I wrote something on here August JeeZus Lol. Well I would write about the worse night of my life I had last night but Im not, just because Im done with that situation. Im sick of talking about it, Im sick of feeling that way, Im sick of tolerating it && being dumb enough to tolerate it in the first place. It cant be life && Ladies its not even worth living life that way! Ive been blessed to not have any kids, to make it to 24, to work & have money, to be free to live life the way I want to..... so why be held back by pain, & tears, & not the right kind of love (that is if its even love).

The problems in 2009 will not carry itself into 2010. I wont let it!

Can I say tho I got the TWITTER thing down. Im Twitter queen, thats all I do lol. I've met some really interesting FUN important ppl on twitter too. (Well I didnt meet them but I've been talking to them) Some ppl are just cool, I like talking to them. Some of them have very interesting jobs like @GenevaWrites is a writer for magazines & stuff, & @Laureluxe is a designer. @LaureLuxe is actually from Kingston (thats where Im living) & her pieces are really nice. She was nice enough to send me 2 pair of earrings (I Love Them) real dope chick with real dope talent! I've talked to some other ppl that are doing their thing career wise && its like wait... o_0 could this mean I could be a somebody?? Lol.... Im for real... How did I find these ppl??
I would love to do something cool like that. I couldnt be a blogger because I cant spell for nothing && as you can see I dont care about none of the stuff Ive learned in english my whole school life lol. I just write -Shrugs-

Im at work using their computer. No one is here, they left me all by myself. I hear its snowing pretty bad outside which SUCKS because 1. I hate snow with a passion! 2. My car isnt in the best shape to be driving & 3. I just got a ticket a couple of days ago for not moving my car for the last snow storm we had. I didnt move it because I didnt have anywhere to move it too. So yeah, thats gonna be a big problem. I dont think Im going home today, which only sucks because I wanted to check on my sister & my dog Henny. Henny was riding with me last night!! Lol.

Well I promise to be more entertaining next entry. Im like not sure what to say because its been so freaking long && I have alot to say but I dont know where to start. I gotta make this a frequent thing to get back in the swing of things.

But thanks for reading anyway :)

Saturday, August 8, 2009

I Dont Know If Its Me

Im not happy at all! It's Saturday night & I didnt play my cards right. I should have just done me! There's a party tonight & I didnt have plans of going for various reasons..... now I wanna go BUT now Im stuck at home pissed off because my "boyfriend" is a jerk & my only friend is at work & I didnt buy an outfit just in case I changed my mind! Ughhh.... Just one of those days :/

My "boyfriend" (& I say it like that because we have more down days then up) is....... Oh I already told you guys he's a jerk! That might actually be a compliment now considering theres a song lol. He might actually find this blog because we were in a fight not to long ago && the nigga googled me & found all my stuff. Lmao! Not funny actually kinda creepy BUT yeah its one of those down days.... one of those down days where I question myself " Is it me??.... AM I the person that makes this relationship hard??"

I dont know if its me but something tells me from time to time that this "relationship" aint right. I dont know if its me but I feel tied down, isolated, lonely. I dont know if its me but I feel like hes hard to talk to. I dont know if its me but I am mad or sad more than I am happy. I dont know if its me but I feel like I cant be myself......... Crazy right? Well why are you still in it?? (He's gonna be pissed) but the answer is I DONT KNOW!! Its been like this on & off for 4 yrs. He says its not my fault you cant open up to me!! Can one really shut down for no reason... or is it just me?? I dont know if its me so I stay, trying to fix it, hoping to fix it because if its me I dont want this to be my fault. && I dont know if its me because Im still comparing him to exes like....
No one has ever talked to me the way you do! I never felt I couldnt be myself! I never cried more than I laughed. I always felt like they were my homie. No one has never told me who I can & can not talk to, where I can & can not go, What I could & could not wear. No one has ever checked my phone.

I feel like its me sometimes because I have never been in a real relationship. See I dont really agree with curfews, & checking phones, & eliminating friends, & places. I never knew that certain chemistry had to be forced, or you had to totally pick one or the other..... friends or boyfriend, his way or my way or my own happiness or his...... see I didnt really know someone that loves you make you make those choices. I thought friends were mutual. I thought boyfriends had your back & supported you. I thought you were suppose to have trust && if you both didnt agree with something you made compromises. I didnt know Love, Boys & Relationships were like this because I everything that I Love I would of passed on this..........

4 yrs later I feel like its to late! && Im stuck on the what if's. Singing "A part of me says to get my bags, A part of me says I cant do that" - Letoya Luckett

-Deep Sigh-

Is It Me??

Sunday, July 19, 2009

To Hold... To Live...To Breathe U.....Dangerously. Wait?? I Have To Find It First

-Deep Sigh-

I cant spell.... Lol.

Anyways... my heart is kinda heavy. A lot of un-necessary weight on my heart. Im pressing myself about time. 24 in NOV but what does a girl have?? Nothing that she wants. I dont even know what kind of relationship I have..... Do I have a boyfriend?? I barely see him. We dont get along when we are together. We dont really have anything in common. No mutual friends. We dont even have meaningful conversations........... but still we continue whatever we have.

I guess its my fault! I dont know if I am just not girlfriend matrial or I just cant && wont be the girl he wants me to be. Its probably both! LOL... -Shrugs-

While other girls is looking for someone fine, with money, with nice cars & houses, with cool friends, Im looking for someone who will just be my friend... really good friend. There is nothing like someone you can just chill with.... Like let all your walls down chill with. When you tell a dude that you are looking for a genuine friendship they will be your friend but they gotta mess with everybody && blame you when you get mad about it like " you said you wanted to be friends " lol. Maybe that just happens to me.

Anywho... being 24 Im really on that.. I wanna be a MOM & WIFE kick. Its like heavy. I really feel its my time to settle & give 100%. I know its not something I can go looking for tho... it has to find me.

So I guess the question is........ Whats wrong with me? I have never had a real relationship in my life. I dont know if I have fell in love with someone who's defintion of love was close to mines. I never even had the little things where me & a boyfriend took pics together, or made it public on purpose, or went on dates often....... I've never had that many boyfriends either lol but still....

I dont know... The Life Of Denise Lancaster

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Saturday Night.....Alone

Saturday night.......

Im home alone debating on whether I should delete my myspace. Hmmm?? I have no followers on here, & I dont know how to get them either lol. I have 5033 views on my myspace blogs..... maybe I should keep it until I build my fan base. Idk myspace is for kids. I had a little boy send me a friend request talking about "damn u fine" && Im like is this what my internet has come to?? Dang where are the grown men at to give me the same compliment?? lol.

I am better today. Ive been in an ok mood. I was in a good mood earlier. I looked good, my comission was ok, then I felt a certain type of way when I made a phone call to someone && I didnt get " You wanna do something tonight?? "

I guess I could asked him but I just want to feel wanted. I want him to wanna hang out with me, not hang out with me because I asked. Im dropping hints like Ima be at home, by myself, on a saturday night, stupid rain. && this nigga is like yeah Ima go chill at my cousin's house I'll call you when I get home.

Can you believe its been 4 yrs on & off?? SMH we dont get along because when he's out on a Friday night & doesnt call me I call him at 5pm on Saturday & he doesnt care to see me......its a problem that Im not having!! Lol && he's the same way! If I was to be out all night long & didnt care to see him the next day he wouldnt like that. I spend to much effort mirroring what I see to prove a point, knowing that my point will never get acrossed.

-Deep Sigh-
What can u do??


Monday, June 8, 2009

Its Just One Of Those Feelings I Wont Be Able To Explain Until I Feel It

Ok ......

I still dont know what Im doing! This can not be this difficult.....can it??
Obviously it can if I am still having trouble getting it together, right?

Anyways it's reaching 5 am && I still cant sleep. Secretly I think Im going crazy. Ive been in a bad mood for 3 days && I dont even know why, or where the attitude even came from. SMH I am a mess!! My heart is heavy, Im sad, Im soo mad, Im lonely...... I dont know how to fix it tho. I dont know how to make it this feeling go away. Im not sure of what I want. Im stuck guys!

I wanna say Its the love && the friendship that Im dying for..... that Im so in need of. Im not sure if thats it tho.... because I call someone up && I get even more angry for ...... I guess I get angry because that person is not giving me the conversation that I want. That person is not making me feel the way I want to feel. I dont expect you guys to understand, because I dont even understand. Its just one of those feelings I wont be able to explain until I feel it -Deep Sigh-

Do you guys think Im crazy??? Lmao
Me Too!! He he

On that note..... Ima go to bed

Thanks For Reading! : )

Good Night!