Monday, December 14, 2009

I'll Take All The Blame....

Sooo I am bored at work..... as usual.
I can't stop thinking about the other night. I really didn't want to share it but I have nothing else to really write about & I just can't stop thinking about it. I won't go into details tho.....its to long. Anyways the other night I got in a fight with my boyfriend. I guess I started it.... I guess I always start it. We get into fights break up & a week later get back together. It happens way to often, so I figured I have to get him to never ever wanna talk to me again. We keep playing this who should be hurt & who should be blamed game hoping that one of us will be like ok I take the blame. We are hurting each other, we are not happy together, && its fair to say we both are thinking we are doing so much for each other.

Soooo I'll take the blame! He can tell his mother, sister, friends that I don't know how to act, I am inconsiderate, I don't spend quality time, I don't look out for us, I am not a good girlfriend, I am not a good person, && that I am crazy, I cry to much, I nag to much, I ask for to much, I play to much, I am out to much, I don't work hard enough, I am wrong.....whatever comes to mind he can say. He's a saint, he's never hurt me, he's always there for me, he shows nothing but love this is how he would have to think that to never ever wanna speak to me again... so I went crazy! Lol. I lost my mind in every way u can think of... I had too. Now its like where do I go from here?? Rejection hurts whether the person is good or bad for u, & to invest so much time into person & it to end so horribly hurts even worse. I mean u go into a relationship with nothing but u like the person & to leave the relationship with nothing but not liking the person is a waste. What was my purpose?? Why was we holding on for so long?? Was it love?? Is it love?? Its bad when u don't even know...huh?

I feel like I am going to be alone for the rest of my life, & I don't say that because I am not with him anymore because I felt that way even when I was with him. I just don't think love was meant for me. I mean love can't be for everybody....can it?? Luckily we do not have any mutual friends, or any mutual hang out spots, we aren't that involved in each others family, we do not share anything together no kids, no furniture, no pets.... nothing. The only thing that brings us back together is the thoughts we have of each other when we are apart. I killed those thoughts for him.... Now what am I to do??

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